Simon Poulter
Systems Analyst
view office

Subject: update
Date: Thu, 16 May 2002 09:59:37 +0100

From: simon poulter


May 2002


Report and update

Many thanks to those from other departments who have contacted me about the bus routes. We have decided to hold a competition. We will secretly film this process.

A spark of confidence came across the department the other day. We have been looking at a collection of old photographs of Whipsnade Zoo. We have noticed irregularities in the scale of the animals relative to the landscape. Why would someone do such a thing?

The verbena plant mysteriously donated to us, now has pride of place on our little balcony. Eric waters it every day. Jonny also helps him. We have put up a list for all those who would like to help water the plant.

The Jerusalem artichoke is responding well in our communal area. We have however noticed that an inordinate number of cigarette butts are being left in this area. Don't people realise that smoking causes cancer? This is an illness that hurts. We have put up 'Don't Smoke' posters in this area. So don't.

Our people have returned from the Middle East. We have now been given the go ahead to play dirty with them. Off the record we now have a policy to take out anyone looking vaguely over weight. But we have done our sums. Just a 1% improvement in this activity would save up to 1000 lives. So we have decided that on balance it's a good thing.

Joyce has now come off her medication. She will be rejoining us in the 'typing pool' next week. Many of you will remember Joyce's careful and fastidious approach to her work. She has asked me to thank you all for the get well cards, especially the 'golfing holiday' one which certainly made her laugh.

A host of new information awaits those who check their locker boxes. Mr Cyder has finally agreed to the provision of sessions for all staff. We are told that this consists of an eight week programme of Metapreapic Cuntolic Therapy. Now that sounds glamourous doesn't it? Well we are reassured that the sessions are designed to enable staff to rebuild their inner soul, capture the wonder of their sexual organs and stimulate creative thinking. I pointed out to Mr Cyder that indeed an inner soul sounded a little tautological. He would have none of this and has reprimanded me for being stiff. Meanwhile, I am pondering, as we count in the tags from the 'Middle Eastern' dead, if an outer soul might facilitate a higher sense of communion.

Returning to work matters, be reassured that our latest figures show that an increase of human rights violations in the Middle East is unlikely to be challenged by the G7 countries. The figures just don't stack up. Curiously, we have been asked to carry out various unlikely scenario tests in order to be prepared. This has shown that, for example, if Israeli citizens were forced to live in squalid camps with little or no medical care and the threat of rocket gun ships, then G7 would act. I apologise for having to pass on this detail but I am under some pressure again from 'above' to show that we are actually doing something.

Simon Poulter